My journey is an unending quest for my authentic self. Even as a child, I recall copying things I liked about other people—the way a girlfriend dotted her i’s with little balloons, the way another parted her hair in the middle. I wanted others to like me, so I tried to be what I thought others would like. Most of all, I wanted my mother to like me. I excelled to impress her and I lied to her about anything I thought she’d dislike. In my late thirties. I was working with a life coach, searching for the courage to leave my job and start my own business. Mike said something that resonated with me. “I used to be a nice guy. Then I stopped lying.” I started being frank with my mother and our whole relationship changed. That lesson has stuck with me—if you want to change a relationship, change yourself. Lying doesn’t change who you are.
Now I’m in my late fifties, and I’m learning how to be vulnerable, how to let others carry the load. As I do this, my heart opens, and others gravitate towards the real me--the one who hurts, who fails, who forgets, who can’t be all things to all people. My two wonderful adopted sons have taught me that I can’t be a perfect parent—but I can be good enough, and that IS good enough. My cat and my father taught me that you can miss someone forever and still be happy. Fr. Kirk has taught me that I can vigorously disagree with someone I love—and he will still love me, and I him. And PHusion has turned a black-and-white existence into a technicolor adventure.
I’ve always believed that my life was graced and magical; PHusion proves over and over that I am right, at least about that!
